My dream hotel
I stay in hotels >100 nights/yr, and in some years >200 nights/yr. I have some fairly definite personal preferences, but I don’t think they’re truly unique. I have been doing this for 25+ years and have tried some variations to make sure I’m not stuck at local maxima, and have made some adjustments over the years, but at this point I think I’m pretty well optimized.
I “fucking hate” AirBnB and would never stay there again; I’m mostly about minimizing the risk of potential downside, and every random AirBnB host has the potential to make a stay horrible. Big corporate chains might not be special, but they won’t screw up, and if they do, and they see I’m a guest with a lifetime value of >$100k easily, they usually fix things promptly and thoroughly.
Things I value highly:
No-hassle check-in/automatic check-out. This mostly means big corporate chains, at identifiable locations, and ideally at hotels with loyalty programs/saved reservations.
Flexibility in bookings (free cancellation day-before or day-of is ideal)
Good Internet (high speed and ideally no random reauth requests for captive portal) — the ideal would be permanent MAC registration globally
Good quality mattress, pillows, and bedding
Clean (this has at least become a global priority at hotels since Covid)
Secure door, generally secure building
Low noise (noise from other rooms, from mechanical systems like HVAC/plumbing, and outside)
Laundry (ideally self-serve, good quality machines, and selling decent chemicals, available 24/7). I don’t want to pay $7 to launder my $3-5 underwear, or $8 for an $8 t-shirt.
Ability to darken room, and good lighting
Good HVAC (quiet, good air quality, lack of smells, controllable temperature)
Bedside 110/230v power sockets
Nice bathroom (good shower, deep soaking tub would be great; in-room sauna, as I’ve had in a couple places, would be outstanding.)
Late checkout (4pm checkout is a major benefit of Marriott elite status; many Hilton properties will do 4pm or at least 2pm, and IHG tends to do 2pm)
Willingness to store luggage (ideally securely) for me for days/weeks between visits.
Things I value somewhat:
Nice bathroom amenities (ideally in travel-sized bottles to take away)
Free and reliable package receiving
Luggage carts > bellmen
Parking (free would be amazing, but at least having valet or a paid lot as an option is nice.)
Attached shopping malls (being able to walk out of the hotel without actually going outdoors and enter a mall with shops, food, etc. is great)
Lounge (I used to care about these more, particularly for free food, but realized the kind of food served in most lounges — high-carb high-calorie, etc. — is just worth avoiding.)
Kitchenette in room (at least a fridge, ideally full-sized with freezer. Microwave and sink nice too.)
Available daily housekeeping if I want it (I usually decline by default and take every third day.)
Early check-in
Points/loyalty earning
Suite upgrades
Hotel breakfast (I usually don’t eat breakfast now, but in Asia I tend to do one-meal-a-day consisting of the amazing quality hotel breakfast buffet)
Decent elevators (sufficiently provisioned, and ideally not requiring a key, so delivery services can come to room door vs. front desk)
Free water/etc as gift
App to request services vs. calling front desk
1 and ideally 2 luggage racks capable of holding Pelican 1626, 1615, 1650 boxes
ATM in lobby or near hotel (especially if non-US country) with non-extortionate rates
UPS/FedEx/etc. package pickup
Business center (scanner/copier/printer); a multifunction in-room would be amazing too.
Nice pool/outdoor area (very situationally dependent; 95% of the time I’d never use this)
Broadly anti-smoking (I’d be ok with thoroughly cleaned smoking rooms in Japan, or highly segregated smoking sections of a hotel elsewhere, but generally smoking rooms are horrible.)
Things I don’t care about at all:
TV (I usually touch it only to turn it off if it does the auto-greet with name thing, which is annoying.)
Furniture in room other than bed (unless a large room/suite)
Hotel restaurants (other than breakfast) — if it’s really good, fine, but routinely I’d just order delivery or go out
Lounge activities (like wine tastings)
Food/alcohol gifts (unless it’s something really exceptional; if it’s something unhealthy that I feel obligated to eat, net negative; I usually give them away)
Hotel gym (theoretically I should start to care about this)
Telephone service
USB charger ports, “smart room” functions, etc.
Check cashing, etc. at front desk
Pet friendly (I’d prefer a hotel which actively banned dogs and obnoxious pets, although at some point I’d want my own cats to be allowed if I were to travel with cats. For now, pet-free is fine.)
Things I’ve given up on getting at good enough quality to enjoy:
Desk/chair for working (a sit-stand and an aeron or embody or other high-end office chair)
Monitor or other display in-room (4K 27” minimum, and ideally an LG 5K…)